aggy Embarrassments

aggy has always had a hard time staying out of their own way.

For anyone else, their continued tripping over their collective feet would be reason to pause and reflect on why this is happening.

For aggy, it is (of course) a “turdition”.

aggypedia will document some of the “Greatest Hits” of aggy embarrassments here.

aggy jokes. They write themselves.

Johnny Football

The saga of Johnny Manziel is the stuff of aggy legend and deserves his own page.

Football Follies

aggy football is embarrassing enough (see the stats in the aggy athletics page).

The rabid fan base, the unreasonable (and completely unfounded) preseason hype, the march through an early cupcake out-of-conference schedule, and the inevitable correction are always fun to watch.

There have been a few memorable moments over the years, though, that deserve a little special place on aggypedia.

Defending Kyle Field from SMU cheerleaders

1981. SMU vs aggy at Kyle Field.

aggy hubris about the “sacredness” of the turf on Kyle Field was at an all-time high for some reason. The SMU cheerleaders, as they did at EVERY game, would run out and spell out “S”, “M”, and then “U” after a touchdown. Well, some aggy Corps Turd decided that it was time to defend the artificial turf and drew his ceremonial sword from his toy soldier uniform and brandish it threateningly at the cheerleader.

See for yourself what happened next.

And, of course, there are still aggy to this day that defend this idiot.

aggy were never again allowed to have swords at public events.

77-0

Even aggy faithful were embarrassed in 2003 as OUsux were already up 77-0 in the THIRD QUARTER:

Most humiliating drive in football history.

OU was running straight ahead the whole drive, basically trying to get stopped. The Aggies never stopped them, so Stoops ordered the RB to fall down when they got too close to the end zone.

And the refs let the clock roll non-stop.[1]http://texags.com/forums/5/topics/1276730/replies/17653956;

Fran and Stoops agreed to let the clock roll non-stop prior to the 2nd half.[2]http://texags.com/forums/5/topics/1276730/replies/17661249

;

…and then Johnny Jolly does a victory war dance after stopping the OUsux RB at the end of the game:

Battle of the Brazos

It was only towards the end of the aggy-Baylor series that the moniker “Battle of the Brazos” was regularly used, however it was the 1926 aggy-Baylor game that almost literally came to artillery shells being fired.

It started in with the Baylor homecoming parade at halftime:

Baylor newspaper report November 1, 1926, relevant section highlighted

The 1926 football game coincided with Baylor’s homecoming. During halftime Baylor Homecoming floats paraded around the field. When a float – actually a car pulling a flatbed trailer with several female Baylor students – neared the section where the Texas A&M Corps of Cadets sat, a cadet raced towards the car and grabbed the steering wheel.The motion caused Louise Normand to fall off the truck, injuring her and inciting a large riot. Students began using metal folding chairs and planks of wood that had been used as yard markers for weapons. Texas A&M student Lt. Charles Sessums was hit in the head during the melee and, although he initially appeared to recover, he died following the game.[3]https://web.archive.org/web/20110604073347/http://www.chron.com/CDA/archives/archive.mpl?id=1990_737358

Members of the aggy Corps were so upset, aggy claims that they “returned to College Station, mounted a cannon on a flatbed rail car, commandeered an engine and were going to attack the Baylor campus.”[4]https://web.archive.org/web/20110604073347/http://www.chron.com/CDA/archives/archive.mpl?id=1990_737358

There is no known substantiation for any part of that story. Because it never happened. But there are gullible aggy who today believe the incident actually did occur.

It is true that prior to 1926 the U.S. Army did loan a pre-WWI surplus artillery piece to the school for training purposes. Artillery pieces were still horse-drawn at the time, so cadets trained on how to hitch the artillery piece to the team of six horses for transportation. What the gullible aggy seem not to understand is that in 1926, the U.S. Army did not release live, high explosive artillery ammunition to public universities just so they could have a supply on hand. Texas A&M never had an artillery range. There was no need whatsoever for the school to have any live artillery ammunition, and even if they did have some ammunition for training purposes, artillery shells used in training at the time were designed to kick up small cloud of dust so observers could note where they landed. Training ammunition was cheaper than live ammunition and the military was in a post-war budget cutting mode. Cheaper even still were inert wooden replicas of ammunition that would have actually been used by civilians training on public college campuses.

So, the aggy who believe the Baylor/cannon story believe a dozen college kids hauled a three-thousand pound artillery piece by hand from their campus to the train station, lifted it onto a rail car with the intent of taking it to Waco, then taking it off the rail car in Waco and rolling it by hand two miles to the Baylor campus, and once the gun was in position, in unison, yelling “BANG!” as loudly as they could, seeing how they had no actual ammunition whatsoever for the gun.

And THIS is what is considered logical thinking in aggyland.

Notwithstanding aggy fairy tales of military greatness and enraged students attempting mass murder with an unloaded howitzer, the bad blood between aggy and Baylor continues to this day.

“Battle of the Alamo” in Lubbock

(aka, The Legend of “GAP Kid”)

This, too, deserves its own aggypedia page.

Poop-flinger

This, literal, shoveler-of-shit during the 2005 Texas-aggy game at Kyle Field decided it would be funny to fling a shovel full of horse shit up into the air over the Longhorn Band.

No. Not making this up:

He was charged with “criminal mischief”. aggy, of course, was split between a few rational aggy (RARE) agreeing on the punishment and most of the red-ass aggy saying it was no big deal.[5]http://texags.com/forums/5/topics/533309

Claiming the Spring Game as a victory

This is an actual screenshot from the official aggy football page for the 2006 season – note the 2007 Spring Game included as part of that stellar TEN WIN SEASON!

Question: Since aggy were playing themselves, shouldn’t it have been a defeat, too?

Oh aggy.

aggy staffer HITS WVU player

During the 2014 Liberty Bowl, an aggy student assistant actually takes a swing at a West Virginia University player on the aggy sideline. Awesome.

Premature video-jaculation

aggy got all hot-and-bothered about landing potential superstar safety Brandon Jones that they made a video about him.[6]COMING SOON … On an Island: Being Brandon Jones, http://texags.com/s/19089/coming-soon-on-an-island-being-brandon-jones

Like everything else aggy… it was wrought with failure.

Hubris, in Greek tragedy, is defined as “excessive pride toward or defiance of the gods, leading to nemesis.” So when popular Texas A&M website TexAgs.com used their considerable resources this year to produce a high-quality film about one recruit, a top target for Texas A&M’s 2016 class, the stage was set. On An Island: Being Brandon Jones[7]COMING SOON … On an Island: Being Brandon Jones, http://texags.com/s/19089/coming-soon-on-an-island-being-brandon-jones documents the recruiting process of one of the Aggies’ biggest targets, the top Texas safety and ESPN 300 #49 overall recruit Brandon Jones.

The best part is the huge plot twist at the end.[8]Brandon Jones Commits To Texas Despite TexAgs Documentary About Him, http://www.goodbullhunting.com/2016/2/3/10904746/i-see-burnt-orange-people

 

QBU… not

In yet another premature celebration, aggy claimed they were the new QBU (Quarterback University) and posted this:

Reality, as always, has a way of biting aggy in the butt:

Glow-in-the-dark aggy

aggy decided that they were going to go all-out for a Halloween night game in 2015 with special aggy-SWAG-alicious glow-in-the-dark and reflective BLACK uniforms that would show how “cool and hip” aggy has become.

The special all-black “aggy Nights” uniform was scheduled for their 2015 game against South Carolina, and aggy just presumed that they’d be slotted for the prestigious night game because (1) they had this cool glow-in-the-dark uniform and (2) they were aggy.

Cue Lee Corso: “NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND!”

Oops: Texas A&M will wear its ‘Aggie Nights’ uniforms at 11 a.m.[9]”Oops: Texas A&M will wear its ‘Aggie Nights’ uniforms at 11 a.m.”, … Continue reading

Texas A&M announced the arrival of a new all-black “Aggie Nights” alternate uniform back in August. At the time of the announcement, the plan was to wear the uniforms for Halloween against South Carolina at Kyle Field.

But what Texas A&M could not plan on was the SEC slotting the game for the early slate on Oct. 31 (Noon ET/11 a.m. in College Station).

Oh. Wait. You mean da S!E!C! didn’t give aggy that prestigious night game slot?

I guess aggy is still the Rodney Dangerfield of whatever conference they’re in.

Sammy the Owl

In the finest tradition of collegiate hijinx, aggy stole a sawdust-stuffed canvas owl from Rice in 1917 and promoted it to General.

… and in fully-expected aggy manner, went totally off the rails when Rice students dared try to retrieve it.

FRANTASTIC newsletter

From 2004 until he was caught and threatened with termination in 2007, aggy football coach Dennis Franchione sold “insider information” as a newsletter called the “VIP Connection”.[10]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dennis_Franchione#Newsletter_controversy

As is par for aggy, it’s not lying or cheating if they don’t get caught. However, in this case:

The newsletter was discovered by athletic director Bill Byrne after it was presented to him by a San Antonio Express-News reporter, who had received it through an unidentified A&M booster. Byrne immediately instructed Franchione to discontinue the newsletter, at which time Franchione complied.[11]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dennis_Franchione#Newsletter_controversy

Oops.

The last issue of the newsletter, dated September 13, 2007, revealed that Franchione earned a net profit of $37,806.32 from the newsletter. In a press conference the following Tuesday, October 2, Franchione apologized in front of A&M football players and expressed his love for the job and the university, and his desire to “elevate the program to its highest level.” A&M players also expressed their support for Franchione as a coach.[12]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dennis_Franchione#Newsletter_controversy [13]Davis, Bryan (2007-09-30). “Franchione tells players newsletter a mistake”. Dallas Morning News. Retrieved 2007-09-30.

This wasn’t enough, though, as aggy administration had to resolve this before the NCAA became involved.

The investigation concluded that Franchione violated two NCAA rules and one of the Big 12’s “Principles and Standards of Sportsmanship”.[14]Miller, John (2007-11-06). “A&M admonishes Franchione”. Fort Worth Star-Telegram. Retrieved 2007-10-12.[dead link] These findings were in turn reported to the NCAA.[15]Davis, Brian (2007-11-15). “A&M forwards ‘VIP’ report to NCAA”. Dallas Morning News. Retrieved 2007-11-15. The NCAA requires coaches to submit reports that include “athletically related income and benefits from sources outside of the institution”, which is also required by Franchione’s contract.[16]”Source says Texas A&M, Franchione discussing settlement”. ESPN. 2007-11-05. Retrieved 2007-11-05.

The newsletter and the coachfran.com website were shut down before any other embarrassment could be found, and Franchione resigned unceremoniously at the end of the 2007 season.

Whoops!

2016 Prairie View A&M football game

aggy showed themselves to be totally predictable hosts to the visiting “Separate but Equal” PVAMU fans.

aggy Powerlifting

To answer the age-old question of “How many aggy does it take to perform a basic rowing exercise?”

aggy tacklebox, aka “Kyle Field”

The tacklebox deserves its own page.

aggy Billboards

Yup. Billboards.

aggy entries in the Fulmer Cup

“Can you help me with this?”

Pittman suspended after being charged with indecency (If parking car, beware of smiling aggy) [17]http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1021941/posts

A Texas A&M University football player has been charged with indecent exposure after police say he masturbated in a university parking lot while smiling at a female student who was trying to park her car.

Tate Pittman, a freshman defensive lineman from Odessa, was released Thursday from the Brazos County Jail after posting $10,000 bail. He has been suspended from the team, according to a release issued by A&M athletics director Bill Byrne.

A female student was trying to park her car Oct. 28 when Pittman, 18, pulled up next to her in a Dodge Ram and began smiling at her, according to court records.

When the woman walked closer to the truck, records state, Pittman asked her, “Can you help me with this?” as he motioned to his exposed genitals, court documents state.

Reddit List

The entire list of aggy entries from /r/TheFulmerCup

Listeater

Another aggy legend.

While waiting overnight in line for tickets for the 2005 Cotton Bowl, one unnamed aggy woman (forever nicknamed “Listeater”) marched right past snoring fans at 4:30am and took her place at the head of the line.

When other aggy started waking up at 6:00am and began protesting, she grabbed the posted sign-up list of students who had been waiting for days — and ate it.[18]http://www.foxnews.com/story/2004/12/14/list-eater-on-loose-in-texas.html

While you may think that the funniest part was her justification:

“The piece of paper doesn’t justify a spot in line to me if no one is standing there,” the anonymous woman, a senior, later told the Battalion, the student newspaper. “If they wanted a spot, they should’ve woken up.”

…it was actually (as is typical) the aggy response:

“As we kept standing out there, people kept yelling, ‘Beat the hell out of the list-eater,'” student Micah Gertson told KBTX-TV of Bryan and College Station, Texas. “As she’s up there talking, people started throwing doughnuts at her.”

Aggie football fans regularly urge the team to “beat the hell out of” its opponents.

Texas A&M football coach Dennis Franchione, who’d shown up with the doughnuts, reportedly told the woman, “Eat doughnuts, not paper.”

The “list-eater” told the Battalion that she’d meant to burn the list, but shoved it in her mouth when someone in the crowd grabbed her.

…and to top it all off, they actually celebrate this day in aggy history as a “piece of (aggy) lore” over at Good Bull Hunting.[19]AGGIE FLASHBACK: The Listeater Saga, Dec 9, 2004, http://www.goodbullhunting.com/2016/12/9/13848480/aggie-flashback-the-listeater-saga-dec-9-2004-texas-a-m-tennessee-fran-donuts-cotton-bowl

I remember grabbing my Fran donut and surveying the scene, finally coming to terms with the ridiculousness of the morning.

I was on the list. My name was eaten.

I am a piece of Texas A&M lore.

Hurricane Preparedness

How does an aggy prepare for a hurricane?

By boarding up windows of course… FROM THE INSIDE!

Is this another aggy joke or real? As with other aggy embarrassments, it’s both.

During the preparation for Hurricane Rita in 2005, the aggy campus bookstore took the orders to board up their windows (in preparation for possible coast hurricane landfall some 100+ miles away) very very seriously.

Most normal people would protect the glass by putting the boards on the outside of the glass (to keep it from breaking). Not aggy, though. Their boards were on the inside.

When this picture made the rounds on the Internet and aggy started taking incoming rounds of (justifiable) ridicule, they backpedaled and trotted out an excuse that they couldn’t install the plywood on the outside of the windows… even though everyone else who’s ever done hurricane preparedness has been able to do it.

Our windows will not support the weight of plywood screwed into their frames — neither is there sufficient masonry wall surrounding them for an attachment — therefore our contractor a “good Ag” suggested saving the store from a major cleanup and letting the glass go — it wasn’t a difficult decision to make![20]http://www.snopes.com/katrina/photos/aggie.asp

Oh aggy.

Blue Bell Ice Cream

The sad story of the “Little Creamery in Brenham” and its aggy mismanagement can be found here.

Called out by Jim Rome

Real or Interwebbes Legend – doesn’t matter, still funny. Go read

2016 aggy Chalk Talk

aggy women pay $80 each to attend sexist pre-season women’s football clinic – typical aggy

Stairway to Nowhere

While that could actually be a valid description of any stairway on the aggy campus, in this case, it’s legitimately a stairway to NOWHERE.

As part of the long-planned upgrade to the aggy Recreation Center (the mind boggles at the thought of “aggy recreation”), the original designers, MarmonMok, drew up plans that actually included a stairway that went 7 steps up straight into a solid concrete wall.

The construction team, being good little mind-numbed aggy, followed the plan without question and did exactly what the aggy designers intended. It’s the gray concrete wall that matches the rest of the Soviet-style aggy “architecture” that really sets the standard here, although the aggy FrankenKroger stadium has its own concrete wall sightline issues.

aggy political idiocy

Please note – this is not an endorsement nor a repudiation of ANY political party or stance (there are idiots across the entire political spectrum). It’s just a documentation of “aggy being aggy” in political arenas.

aggy has a history of creating t-shirts at the drop of a hat for pretty much any reason. One of their gameday “turditions” is (again not created by nor limited to aggy fans) “Beat The Hell Outta (insert team name here)”.

aggy, of course, went one further with the politically-charged (and incredibly racially- and historically-insensitive) “Beat The Hell Outta OBAMA” t-shirts.

Oh aggy.

Then, there’s the aggy McCain campaign worker who, in the heat of the 2008 Presidential election, thought it would be appropriate (and somehow helpful) to FAKE an attack on herself[21]Cops: McCain Worker Made Up Attack Story, CBS News, 10/24/08, http://www.cbsnews.com/news/cops-mccain-worker-made-up-attack-story/:

Todd, who is white, initially told police she was attacked by a 6-foot-4 black man Wednesday night.

She told investigators she was attempting to use a bank branch ATM when the man approached her from behind, put a knife with a 4- to 5-inch blade to her throat and demanded money. She said she handed the assailant $60 and walked away.

Todd claimed that she suspected the man then noticed a McCain sticker on her car, became angry and punched her in the back of the head, knocking her to the ground and telling her “you are going to be a Barack supporter,” police said.

She said he continued to punch and kick her while threatening “to teach her a lesson for being a McCain supporter,” police said. She said he then sat on her chest, pinned her hands down with his knees and scratched a backward letter “B” into her face with a dull knife.

But, in aggy “turdition”, this was all made-up.

On Friday, when she admitted the story was fabricated, Todd told police she believes she cut the backward “B” onto her own cheek, but she didn’t explain how or why, Bryant said.

“She said she doesn’t remember doing it but knows it must have been her who did it,” Bryant said, according to the Tribune-Review.

Todd reportedly said she thought of Barack Obama when she saw the “B” on her cheek and minutes later “came up what a plan” to manufacture the story, according to Bryant.

She now tells investigators she was neither robbed nor attacked.

Oh aggy.

Let’s not forget the 1990 Texas gubernatorial election campaign with Clayton William’s famous aggy insight into rape[22]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clayton_Williams#1990_Texas_gubernatorial_race;… presented without further comment:

aggy YouTube wonders

aggy documenting themselves on Internet video will never not be funny.

How can you forget “Raise Up Bryan College Station”?

… or the aggy Yell Leaders getting fired up and touching their tra-la-las?

Aggie Yell Leaders – Touch My Tra La La from FOGAR! Films on Vimeo.

Ready for the MOST AWKWARD VIDEO EVER?

What do you notice first?

• The “way-too-tight-and-short” shorts?
• The shirts-tucked-into said short-shorts?
• The (faaaaaaaabulous!) boots?
• The uncoordinated sliding down a TINY ONE DEGREE INCINE?
• The cheering section whooping and screeching when each aggy attempts the dangerous slide?

Oh. Wait. THE SWORD!

Remember when aggy joined the S!E!C! and they thought it was clever to promote “family unity”?

(NOTE: VIDEO MISSING – contact me if you find it!)
Fe09zx2PZTI

As with every other aggy joke, they didn’t realize that their new conference mates were not laughing *with* them.

Grief Counseling

To Bevel or Not To Bevel

No, not an aggy production of Macbeth… but an honest argument about the bevel on the aggy logo, complete with website, bumper stickers, letter-writing campaigns, etc.[23]http://nobevel.com/

Animal Husbandry – apparently wanting it to be literally legal

The Texas Legislature on Saturday, May 20, 2017 moved one step closer to joining the large majority of state governments that consider sexual conduct between humans and animals or fowl a crime.

Texas Senate Bill 1232, by State Sen. Joan Huffman, R-Houston, would make bestiality a state jail felony and require offenders to be added to the state’s sex offender registry. The punishment would jump to a second-degree felony if the crime occurred in the presence of a child or resulted in serious injury or death for the animal.

The legislation tentatively passed 122 to 6 and must receive final approval in the lower chamber before being sent back to the Texas Senate. The House members who voted no included state Reps. Trent Ashby, R-Lufkin; Ernest Bailes, R-Coldspring; John Cryer, R-Lockhart; John Raney, R-College Station; Gary VanDeaver, R-New Boston; and James White, R-Hillister.

Anyone wanna guess the educational background of the 6 dissenters?

Anyone?

I’ll give you a hint. It starts with “a” and ends with “ggy”.

• Ashby – A graduate of Texas A&M University with a bachelor’s degree in Agricultural Economics
• Bailes – Following his graduation from Texas A&M, Bailes founded his company, Repro Select, an advanced reproductive services provider for cattle and whitetail deer producers across the south-central United States.
• Cryer – A 1995 graduate of Texas A&M University, where he served as Commander of the Fightin’ Texas Aggie Band.
• Raney – A member of the Texas A&M Class of 1969, graduating with a BBA in Marketing. While in college, John founded Texas Aggieland Bookstore, which has now been in operation for forty-six years.
• VanDeaver – Holds a doctorate obtained in 1996 in professional education from Texas A&M University–Commerce.
• White – Graduated with honors from Prairie View A&M University (a member of the Texas A&M University System) in 1986 with a Bachelor of Arts degree in political science.

One day later, they apparently realized the “optics” of their vote and filed statements that they had actually intended to vote “yes”. Oopsie aggy! Your first vote for f**king sheep was recorded!

The aggy Liberty Bell

Inside the Academic Building on the Texas A&M campus is a life-sized replica of the Liberty Bell, a hallowed and revered campus artifact. aggy lore (and aggy Fish Camp) explains

“A replica Liberty Bell is housed inside the rotunda. After WWII, a replica of the famous Liberty Bell was sent to each state to honor each state’s contribution to the war effort. Texas is the only state that didn’t keep their bell in the capitol— the Texas Governor gave the bell to Texas A&M to thank the University for the 14,130 Aggies who served in WWII.”[24]Traditions at Texas A&M, http://www.tamuiba.com/traditions-at-am/

As one might suspect, this is yet another instance where aggy “lore” exists entirely as an aggy fairy tale, having little to do with reality.

In early 1950, the U.S. Treasury launched a Savings Bond sales campaign to help finance the federal government’s budget deficit. The theme of the campaign was “Save for Your Independence.” To help with the campaign, the Treasury Department, aided by some private companies, commissioned 55 Liberty Bell replicas to be manufactured. These replicas were put on flat-bed trucks and sent to the various states to be used as stage props for celebrities and politicians giving sales speeches in cities and towns across the land.

By June 1950, the sales campaign had concluded and the Treasury Department simply “gifted” the stage props to each state government. Texas state officials had no logical place to house a used stage prop with no historical significance whatsoever. The administrators of Texas A&M contacted the governor and asked they be allowed to display the stage prop on their campus. Permission was granted by Gov. Allan Shivers.

The Texas replica was not given to aggy as a token of gratitude – it was given to them because they requested it and no one else wanted it.

It had nothing to do with WWII – it was a stage prop for a 1950 Savings Bond sales campaign.

It is not the only one not in a state capitol – They can be found in front of museums (LA, MI, OH OK, VT), on college campuses (MD), at a Presidential Library (MO), in parks (MO, OR), at high schools (ND), at fire stations (VA) and various other locations. http://tomlovesthelibertybell.com/liberty-bell-replica-locations/

Exactly how and when the aggy “gift as a token of gratitude” fairy tale was started, but it serves as yet another example of “aggy turdition” unquestionably being completely fabricated.

July 1862

On July 2, 2022, Texas A&M proudly reminded the world that 160 years prior, President Abraham Lincoln signed into law the Act that provided for federal funding of Land Grant colleges.

They also provided a picture ON THE OFFICIAL UNIVERSITY TWITTER ACCOUNT from the university archives of what they claimed was the Texas A&M campus on July 2, 1862.

Notice anything … “unusual” about this image from July 1862?

(not to mention the outright lie about being the “first public institution of higher education in Texas”. We’ve covered that before here. They are and always have been an officially designated branch of The University of Texas.)

Turditions

aggy has so many bizarre “turditions“, that we had to make a page of them.

They’re all so embarrassing, but also so representative of aggy.

“The Giving Steve”[25]”Why A&M is Just the Worst, The Giving Steve, http://www.thegivingsteve.com/why-am-is-just-the-worst/ agrees with his essay on “Why A&M is Just the Worst”.

Poor aggy

…and to end on a positive note – a non-aggy video highlighting some of the “best of aggy”