1) aggy “Athletics”

Any discussion of aggy athletics is a short conversation, because aggy athletics has accomplished so little. In the state of Texas, Texas A&M is an also-ran to schools most people haven’t even given a second thought to thinking of as college athletics heavyweights.

In the 140 year history of Texas A&M, the school’s athletes have won fewer national team championships than the University of Houston. They have won fewer individual national championships than UTEP. For those who don’t know who “UTEP” is, UTEP is the University of Texas at El Paso. Athletes from the University of Texas at El Paso, founded in 1914, have not only won more individual national championships than have athletes from Texas A&M, UTEP athletes have won more consensus national championships in major sports than have athletes from Texas A&M.

While The University of Houston and UTEP both far exceed the overall historical accomplishments of Texas A&M athletes, during the BCS football era, A&M trailed even Utah, UConn, Kansas and Boise State in the amount of major bowl hardware collected.

Football

aggy football. Two seemingly innocuous words that, when put together, are certain to generate a laugh from most Texans.

Texas A&M started playing football in 1894. They first joined a conference, the Southwest Conference, in 1915. Since first joining the Southwest Conference, A&M has also been a member of the Big 12 and the S!E!C!

aggy’s First Football Game

The first football game played by Texas A&M was played on October 20, 1894 against the team from The University of Texas. The score at halftime was Texas 38, A&M 0. The final score was Texas 38, A&M 0. Not because they played a scoreless second half, but because they didn’t play a second half.

Being down 38-0 at halftime, aggy quit and went home. So technically, the first A&M football game was only the first partial A&M football game. The first complete A&M football game was played a few weeks later against Galveston Ball high school.

aggy Football Statistics

Conference	Won	Lost	Tied	Winning %
SWC	244	218	30	49.6%
Big 12	68	61	0	52.7%
S!E!C!	17	15	0	53.1%
Total	329	294	30	50.4%

Check out the statistics in the table above.

aggy is roughly 50% in whatever league they play. It doesn’t get any more average than Texas A&M.

Texas A&M has a losing lifetime record against Nebraska. And Michigan. And Michigan State. And Penn State, Ohio State, Purdue, Boston College, Florida State, Cal, Colorado, USC, Arkansas, Florida, LSU, Alabama, Tennessee, Notre Dame, Oklahoma, and Texas.

In short, Texas A&M has a lifetime losing record against just about every respectable team in college football.

Which brings to mind the old aggy joke:

A little boy was in divorce court for a custody hearing and was on the stand when the judge said to him “I understand you want to live with your mother.” To which the boy replied “Oh, no. Not my mom. My mom beats me.” Nodding his head, the judge then said “So then, you want to live with your dad.” To which the boy replied “Oh, no. Not my dad. My dad beats me.” Confused, the judge asked “Well, if not with your mom, and not with your dad, then who do you want to live with?” Without hesitating, the boy shot back, “I want to live with the Texas A&M football team, they never beat anyone.”

Traditionally, A&M fans blame their program’s lack of success on grand, inter-generational conspiracies designed to “keep the sleeping giant at bay.” Whether it be the “Great Burnt Orange Satan” (A&M’s big brother, the University of Texas Longhorns) or corrupt NCAA officials who are bribed by an army of UT Austin alumni carrying briefcases full of cash, the ineptitude of Texas A&M’s football team is never the fault of the administrators, coaches, players or alumni of Texas A&M. And, while the team struggles each and every year to breakout above their perpetual 50% conference winning percentage, “next year” is always the year aggy puts it all together and wins their first consensus national championship. Always next year.

…and let’s don’t even start in with Johnny Effing Football, okay? That’s an aggy train wreck that has turned from hilariously funny to extremely sad.

Oh what the hell.

The One-Point Safety

The on-field antics of the Texas A&M football team have long left A&M fans, as well as seasoned sports professionals, wondering “What in the world did they just do?” Case in point would be the November 26, 2004 University of Texas vs Texas A&M football game in Austin, Texas.

Generally speaking, when a team gives up a safety, it points to some level of dysfunction; and generally speaking, when a team gives up a safety, the other team is awarded two points. But garden-variety dysfunction is never enough for Texas A&M. One may question why Texas A&M feels so compelled to constantly rewrite the history of athletic ineptitude, but one can never question their commitment to the cause.

Early in the second half of the game, up 13-6 in a hard fought defensive struggle, A&M decided it was time to shoot itself in the foot and try to lose what would be a very winnable game for any other team. On 4th and 2 from their own 20, the ags were in punt formation and decided it was time to let Texas back in the game by allowing the Longhorns to block an aggy punt and run it back for a touchdown. The score was now 13-12 in favor of Texas A&M. The Longhorns botched the extra point, but with the ball still on the ground after the missed extra point, the ags realized they still had one un-fired bullet and one perfectly good foot. aggy being aggy, they decided it was time to finish the job of being their own worst enemy. They did it with one of the rarest plays in all of football – the one-point safety. The ags would go on to lose the game 26-13.

For anyone who doubts the ability of aggy futility to confound and confuse even those who think they have seen it all, or for anyone who has never seen a football team give up a one-point safety, here is the ABC Sports television broadcast of the incident:

This event, known as a “Conversion Safety”[1]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safety_(gridiron_football_score)#Conversion_safety has occurred twice in NCAA football. Oh aggy.

 

Rules of Confusion

Being a culture that has never understood the obsession other universities have with “reading” and “books,” the NCAA Rulebook has long been just another one of those “book things” that the aggy fan base never got around to looking at. Of course, aggy being aggy, a lack of understanding of NCAA rules never stopped any ag from claiming to be an expert on the subject.

The November 24, 2011 University of Texas vs Texas A&M football game was the final game in the series when both teams were members of the Big 12 Conference. The game was yet another that A&M should have won, but somehow managed to gift to the other team.

With 1:18 left to play and A&M leading 25-24 in a highly emotionally charged game, Texas had the ball, 1st and 15, on their own 20 yd line. The Longhorn quarterback took the snap, dropped back three steps and threw a pass to the right sideline to a receiver running a fly pattern in front of the aggy bench, that went through the receiver’s hands and fell incomplete. The A&M defender, spying the receiver in a defenseless position, lowered his helmet and, using the crown of his helmet, hit the Texas player in the helmet. As per NCAA targeting rules, the official on the spot threw a penalty flag and assessed a 15 yard penalty against A&M.

While this was a totally understandable penalty to those with even a passing familiarity with college football rules, to the aggy faithful, this had all the hallmarks of a grand conspiracy involving the President of the NCAA; the Athletics Director from UT; the entire crew of officials working the game; the NCAA head of Officiating; every single sports writer or broadcaster who has ever seen the play; as well as vast sums of money paid by UT administrators to everyone involved. Seriously. aggys really think this way. To this day, the penalty at issue is considered by aggys to be irrefutable evidence of the grand conspiracy as well as unfair officiating and media biases against A&M and in favor of the Texas Longhorns.

The NCAA football rules in play are Rule 9-1-3 (Targeting and Initiating Contact With the Crown of the Helmet); Rule 9-1-4 (Targeting and Initiating Contact to Head or Neck Area of a Defenseless Player); and Rule 2-27-14 (Definition of Defense Player). Essentially, the rules say no defensive player can lead with their helmet or shoulder, to attack with forcible contact, the head or neck area of a receiver attempting to catch a pass.[2]http://www.afca.com/article/article.php?id=2342

Below is the broadcast video of the play in question. Almost without exception, the aggy football rule “experts” insist that A&M player did not initiate contact with the crown of his helmet and the Texas player was not struck in the helmet by the A&M player. The aggys insist the A&M player never made any contact whatsoever with the Texas receiver and that the only reason any penalty was called was because of corrupt officiating. After the game, A&M fans identified the official who threw the flag as a full-time firefighter, living in San Antonio with his wife and two small children. The A&M fans published the individual’s name; address; and place of employment; as well as the personal information of his wife and little kids, on the internet in an attempt to incite personal violence against the individual and/or his family.

A&M would go on to lose this game 27-25 on a last second field goal by Texas’ Justin Tucker. With their tails between their legs, the aggys would sulk off the field and end their tenure as members of the Big 12 Conference.

Fake Football Championships

No. Seriously. aggy decided to claim some bogus national championships.

“The 12th Man”

Looking for the TRUE HISTORY of the generic description that aggy never shuts up about? Here ya go.

Kyle Field

The ugliest tacklebox stadium in college football.

Baseball

Texas A&M baseball teams have won a total of two THREE College World Series games in the history of the program.

Two THREE games.

The most recent was a quarter century ago.

2022 update: HOLY CRAP AGGY WON A GAME AT THE CWS!

2024 update: Gotta give aggy some credit. They made it to the championship series, but in true aggy fashion, they “ran out of innings” and couldn’t close the deal.

That pretty much sums up aggy baseball.

Except for this photo taken at a 2023 aggy baseball game. Yup. That happened.

Basketball

[THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK]

(aggy basketball is really that bad. The less said, the better)

Swimming

In true aggy fashion, they spent tons of money building an Olympic size swimming pool so that aggy could (eventually) host major swim meets and possibly Olympic Trials.

In even truer aggy fashion, they screwed up.

It wasn’t found out until after several swimmers started breaking records that “meet organizers determined bulkheads in the pool were incorrectly placed and the course was three centimeters too short – measuring 49.97 meters instead of 50.”[3]A&M pool length could affect records, Dallas Morning News, 5/22/08, … Continue reading As a result, several “records” were disallowed[4]Record Swims Disallowed; A&M Pool Too Short, LSUsports.net, 11/21/08, http://www.lsusports.net/ViewArticle.dbml?DB_OEM_ID=5200&ATCLID=3621109

Oh aggy.

NCAA Violations

It says a lot about a school’s sports program when the longest section in any encyclopedic work focuses on their history of cheating, lying and getting caught red-handed.

In 2012, Athlon Sports wrote a piece on the 15 most corrupt college sports programs. Of course aggy was included. aggy isn’t usually a ranked team, but in discussions of corrupt college sports programs, aggy always finishes the year as a ranked program.:[5]http://athlonsports.com/college-football/15-unethical-college-football-programs

Speaking of the Southwest Conference, a close runner-up for mid-1980s corruption in the storm-tossed league would seem to be Texas A&M. Amid positive developments under Jackie Sherrill, such as Cotton Bowls and the institution of the 12th Man tradition, the Aggies ran a loose ship and were ultimately deemed to be guilty of such shenanigans as improper employment, extra benefits, unethical conduct and lack of institutional control. Sherrill was not personally implicated in the infractions, but he did resign in 1988, the same year his program went on probation.

Another site was more detailed in their shaming of aggy for their corrupt ways:[6]http://www.cowboysrideforfree.com/2011/7/15/2275091/the-top-25-dirtiest-athletic-programs-in-college-history-iv-cheat

Ah, the Texas A&M Aggies, who, at every position in every sport, have the single greatest collection of talent the world has ever seen. With talent such as this you wouldn’t think the Ags would feel the need to cheat. Wrong. They have cheated their way all the way to number 7 on our list of corrupt programs with 7 major infractions (good symmetry there). Kicking things off was a basketball recruiting violation in 1957. Minor stuff really, illegal tryouts and excessive entertainment (though I think counting sheep fu*king as entertainment is really pushing it, but hey, it’s Texas A&M). A&M fired the coach, took a one year postseason ban as well as a year of probation.

Moving along to 1966, the football team got in on the mix with some out-of-season practice and improper administration of financial aid. How does one improperly administer financial aid? Well, you give scholarships to kids on your team who suck as an inducement to leave the team. Yup, basically a severance package. Oh, and these improper tryouts are really inventive. They created a class called Physical Education 317, which normally had an enrollment of 25. Well, in the fall of ’65, it had 128. And they were divided by position. And the class was taught by the football coaches. No way that gets caught, ever. Survey says- One year postseason ban and one year probation. Football was at it again in 1969 for some improper recruiting inducements, resulting in a public reprimand. Time to cycle back to the basketball team for the 1977 season, when some booster paid some recruits and players. One year probation and a show cause penalty for about 6 boosters.

1988 was football’s turn again, going for the gold in total violations. We have (in order): improper employment, entertainment, financial aid and lodging; extra benefits; out-of-season practice; complimentary tickets; improper recruiting contacts, entertainment, inducements and publicity; eligibility; unethical conduct and lack of institutional control. For example (this is the best one) an assistant coach parked a Datsun 280ZX in front of a recruit’s house and told the father it was his if his son signed to play for the Ags. He didn’t (cause it was a Datsun for sh!t sake). Leave it to A&M to get busted with a Datsun. They also Godfather’d one recruit, offering to pay his cancer stricken father’s medical bills and give his father treatment if he signed. For all this, Aggie lost some scholarships, got a one year postseason ban, two years of probation, had the coach put on probation, and had four boosters permanently banned. Now, back to basketball, (I swear, only A&M could get on a schedule of major infractions) and, like football a few years before, this was a pretty big deal. Basically, they copied (almost exactly) the violations of the football team 3 years before, and the penalty was the same: one year postseason ban and two years of probation, as well as repeat offender status. Finally we have, yup you guessed it, football getting the 7th and final major violation (til the Jerrod Johnson tell all comes out late this year).

It’s important to note, as I said above, the Aggies were considered repeat violators, and still on probation, when it was discovered they had paid nine players $17,500. I believe the NCAA report went like this: “And lo, the NCAA awaketh, for thou hath line stepped for the final time, we shall strike thee with a glorious vengeance”. And strike thee they did, with a one year postseason and TV ban, and five years of probation. “Gig em!” Which, for a team with an Aggie (whatever the fu*k that is) as their mascot, what in the blue hell does “gig em” have to do with anything? It’s this kind of sh!t, this is why we all hate you.

Eric Dickerson and the Trans Am

While seemingly complete, this accounting of aggy cheating left out the 1956 probation of the football team for paying John David Crow $10,000 in cash to sign with A&M, the late 70’s saga of their buying NFL Hall of Famer Eric Dickerson a gold Trans Am, which he gladly accepted and then signed to play for SMU, and a long list of other violations.

In the early 1990s, the Texas A&M football program was spared the death penalty by the NCAA, an act that incensed the nation’s college sportswriters as well as more than a few Texas A&M football boosters who, having suffered more than enough humiliation for decade after decade, wished the NCAA would put them and the aggy football program out of their seemingly endless misery.

UPDATE: January 2022 Eric Dickerson Admits Origin of Legendary Gold Trans Am[7]Eric Dickerson Admits Origin of Legendary Gold Trans Am, https://www.si.com/extra-mustard/2022/01/19/eric-dickerson-origin-legendary-gold-trans-am:

“Now, until the present day, I’ve always said publicly that my grandparents bought me that car. My grandfather made good money from his job as a crane operator at a steel mill, and my grandma’s name is on the paperwork, so that’s technically true. But behind the scenes, A&M had agreed to reimburse her. And that, my friends, is how the notorious Trans Am was paid for.”

 

Celebrating Cheaters

In 1956, aggy had one of their best historic football seasons ever, going 9-0-1 with the only blemish being a 14-14 tie with Cougar High.[8]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1956_Texas_A%26M_Aggies_football_team

As noted above, the aggy 1956 football team was under NCAA Probation that year, with a bowl ban keeping the team from participating in post-season games.[9]http://www.footballgeography.com/college-football-fbs-and-ncaa-probation/

Though on probation since 1955 for recruiting violations, the Aggies had appealed to the NCAA to allow them to play postseason. The next day, however, the NCAA announced that Texas A&M was still banned, because of an additional recruiting violation of a basketball player.[10]”Ban Fails To Lift For Aggie Bowl Bid,” Amarillo Globe-Times, Nov. 14, 1956, p19

So, naturally, in 2016, aggy decides it’s time to honor the 60th anniversary of that cheating season with commemorative uniforms (thanks Adidas!). These all-white uniforms, with S!E!C! logo prominently displayed, are disingenuous in representing the 1956 aggy record as 9-0, rather than placing the true record there.

Count on numerous references as the celebration-of-cheaters gets closer to the “Burnt Orange Media Conspiracy” working to “keep the sleeping giant down” and not allowing aggy the national glory they think that they so richly deserve.

Oh aggy.

It’s Tupac’s fault!

A tale of Tupac and the crazy Ragin’ Cajuns

And here I thought all along Jake Delhomme and Brandon Stokley had the most to do with Texas A&M losing at Southwestern Louisiana (now Louisiana-Lafayette) 14 years ago this week.

Turns out there was one more key player in the whole deal: rapper Tupac Shakur.

According to former A&M and NFL receiver Chris Cole, anyway. Cole said the scene in the Aggies’ locker room was one of despair on Sept. 14, 1996, before A&M took on the Ragin’ Cajuns in Lafayette, La., in what would become a 29-22 loss.

Shakur, 25, had died the evening before, the result of four gunshots wounds suffered in an ambush on a Las Vegas street following a Mike Tyson fight.

Former aggy receiver Chris Cole talked about the crying in the aggy locker room before the game and how it caused them to lose:

“When he died, a part of us died, too. It’s why we lost. (Now I) cry to think that Tupac had that kind of an effect on that game.”

aggy didn’t lose… they just ran out of Tupac!

Futility

So, to sum up: Current list of Power 5 schools that have not finished in the Final/Top 4 in baseball, basketball, or football since 1940:

• Northwestern
• Texas Tech
• aggy

Update! Texas Tech made the NCAA Final 4 in 2019. Sorry aggy. Just you and Northwestern now!

Update (part 2)! After the 2020 (Covid-impacted and SHORTENED) NCAA football season, aggy finished the final poll (pre-playoffs) in the #5 spot. In one poll (post-playoffs) they were listed at #4. Sorry aggy … in the NCAA football playoff era, if you’re not in the top 4 at the start of playoffs, you’re not going to be in the top 4 at the end of the playoffs. DENIED!

Update (part 3)! In the new CWS format, aggy won one game in the 2022 tournament and made it to the semi-finals (losing, of course). But, fair is fair, this put them in the TOP 4 for Baseball this year. So – congrats aggy.

Update (part 4)! At the 2024 CWS tournament, aggy caught a wave and made it to the championship series against Tennessee (the “other UT”), but in poetic fashion, “ran out of innings”.